Paul was the boyfriend of a girl who studied with my partner. So I got to know him as a straight boy. Certainly cute, if hardly photo model material. But I was really surprised by his less than tactful efforts to get together with me.There was definitely a gay quality to his social actions.
Paul refused to pose in the nude, which sort of made sense, given how tight he seemed to be around physicalities. Yet he had no problem with me projecting enormous, erect penises on his chest. A barrel of inconsistencies, right?
Every time he "ran away" (he distanced himself in a very clear way, while staying where he was) Paul seemed to long for whatever society expected from him; getting married, getting a kid/kids, buying his own house, driving an expensive car, the works. He lingered in that space for 5 minutes, and then he started his elaborate efforts to get closer, right up to the point where it started to feel pretty gay. And then he sped off again.
His attraction to the female body was a given for me when I got to know Paul. Yet there seemed to be a distortion to the attraction. And I could never figure out what that distortion was.
It may sound old fashioned, but with Paul I did have the feeling that he operated from a sense of sin around sensuality and sexuality. I am not sure if he ever slept with another guy, even if I wouldn't be surprised if he had. But I don't think his feelings were ever truly free of guilt. I don't think he ever escaped the sense of being sinful.
