CORONARIA

Suddenly the world changed completely. An unknown virus first hit China, and from there rapidly spread all over the globe. The experience was surreal beyond words. In my own privileged bubble everything started to collapse. My original plan to walk from Schagen to Santiago de Compostella fell through while Europe was closing down bit by bit. Where one day there were still options to maybe change the route the very next day whole countries were shut down. So I found myself stuck in Holland.

In hindsight it is always easier to see that things might not be as dark as you originally thought. I realized full well how lucky I was, not having to worry about finances, for instance. Some people I knew did get sick, but I didn't see any deaths in my surroundings, and thanked the gods for that. It was mostly the noise of a completely collapsing "outside world" which caused me fear, but in the end it has stayed relatively far from me, and I hope and pray I will be allowed to stay on the good side of this story.

Being stuck in Holland had the big bonus that I could take care of my mother. So I forbade her to leave the house, other than working in her garden, and I took all errands outdoors on me. It worked, my mother was relieved to have me around, and I was very happy I could help out in my own small way. Ma and I became close allies in a world which had gone berserk.

The first two months were filled mostly with reading, which I absolutely loved. It was actually really nice to step off the hectic motor of "modern day life" and simply breathe. Again, since I didn't have to worry about horrendous things like finances and illnesses I actually appreciated the forced peace and quiet.

But as the Dutch say: "het bloed kruipt waar het niet gaan kan" (the blood crawls where it can't go). No matter what you do, no matter what happens, you get to a point where your essential you breaks through, and demands attention. So obviously my creative juices started bubbling, and I had no choice but to honor them. I considered getting paint and canvas, but I didn't want to force the mess on my mother. Instead I figured out that I could be creative while playing on my computer. So I started making new digitally manipulated images. First off I tackled the old project of Ontmoetingen and made new series for my Passion and Baby Hercules images, wit my models Rob and Wouter. You can check out the results here and here.

But then I felt a need to react more directly on the pandemic. After all it had already dominated well over 6 months of my life, and it looks like it may go on for quite a bit longer. The results of that decision you can see on this page. I find it challenging to publish these images, simply because they come from a very privileged space. There's no death and horrendous disease on this page, nor huge problems and worrying, even if they were very much part of the reality. But for now I have decided to go with my own experience, in the end that is as real as the much more horrible reality in the rest of the world. So I guess I need to say this is truly a response on MY pandemic experience.

I reused the photos I already had for the Ontmoetingen project. I felt the need for male nudity to express the sense of vulnerability and helplessness, which is very much part of my experience. The use of floral wallpaper hints at the surreality of the whole situation, as well as my own privilege.

In these two images I refer to the sense of loneliness the pandemic brought.

There was (and is) a distinct sense of fear lingering.

Truly on your own because the importance of distancing is stressed.

Even amidst the craziness you need to find room for some humor; the mask and its importance.

What struck me the most in the first weeks was the completely surreal stillness of the world.

Screaming in silence, craving for attention in loneliness.

The joy of the book.

The beauty in the madness.

Social distancing

Threat.

Wondering what the future might bring.

Trying to fight it all.

Despair (reinterpretation of Munch's The Scream)

Shopping in a deserted supermarket.

Distance small and big

Neverending story?...